Diary of an angry child

I saw anger in him, I had never seen before, and it made me wonder what would have happened for such temper to be superficial, what did life do to him.
Maybe the heat of the blazing sun,
burned the best of him,
and made his last layers appear.

I saw him run in frustration,
I saw him in his fatalist states,
I saw him lose it.

He cursed the gods of the skies,
He cursed the mother of the lands,
Then
He begged them for forgiveness,
He cried like a little child,
and dropped down on his knees,
Then
He ran away,
He didn’t stop,
and wasn’t planning to.

The nature formed a shelter for him,
from all of the injustice outside,
from the cruelty of the world.

For a moment
He smiled,
forgetting his anger,
He wanted a moment of silence,
but silence was his biggest fear,
it was where he remembered it all.
When he saw them murdering
his friends, his parents, and everyone he once knew,
his city getting burned down to ashes,
his school being bombed;
they murdered all of his teachers.

He wondered who will teach him from now,
all of his books was lost.
he looked for leaves,
and decided to start writing
his story,
of what had happened to him,
he wrote all he could remember,
with the blood of all the people he once knew.

Mahmoud Elhadary

Oblivion

I believe in the word ‘Living’,
but now is not the time for me to live, I believe.
The future seems more promising, it hold opportunities
that needs to be un-shed by death.

Mahmoud Elhadary

Message to depression

Through a shivery night, everything had changed.
Our love – the kind of love everyone wishes for
had been burned – turned to ashes
it shatters me to see you going
it break me to be wandering around without you,
to be finally chasing my dreams.
We were wander-lusters with dreams of growing together.
Since the night you had left,
I been sitting in a corner that had never been touched by the sun.
You broke me more than you realize,
Even when you’re not here,
I’m still broken, irreparable.
You got me – the best part of me
the part that was full of hopes and fantasies.
You had torn me,
yet, I’m still surviving
yes, I’m still surviving.
Opportunities waiting for me to seize,
but I’m dreadful that the moment I grasp them,
they turn to dust.
You had made me fearful of living,
and with every day I became more terrified of stepping outside,
Into the world, Into Earth.
I’m sheltered in a room,
with walls made of glass.
I must stand and run,
breaking the shelter I had been captivated inside.
I must start now,
before it’s too late.
You’re finally gone,
and now I shall start living again,
one step at a time,
but I’ll start living.

Mahmoud Elhadary

Adam

The weather wasn’t welcoming for a midnight run, but it wouldn’t stop Adam from running anyway.

It was his only getaway since he had lost his brother. It was the only way he can survive the day ahead. He dressed in his usual clothes adding a waterproof jacket in-case of a rain.

Something had frightened him from the gloomy sky, it had a faint of red along with its darkened blue color. He inhaled deeply, then started running through the designed route. He would visit three places along it, three places he shared with his brother, Brook.

After the first fifteen minute, he reached his first checkpoint; a park they used to play in as they grew up together. A slide where brook had his first stitch, a playhouse where Adam had his first kiss.

Adam swung on one of the swings. Mizzle had started to drop, it didn’t stop him from completing the whole five minutes he dedicates to the playground.

He jogged through the rain, till he reached a pub, with his muddy pants and soaked shoes he left a track behind him from the door till the chair he sat on at the bar.

‘I’m sorry for the mess.’ He said,

‘two beers, please.’

He would drink one for him and one for Brook.

The old rusty pub holds uncountable memories, their picture was still next to the dart board, since four years when they had won the championship. First and second place.

The old rusty pub was where they had their first fight together and not against each other.

Adam paid for the beers giving extra tip than usual because of the mess he had done, then went for his final stop.

He can hear his footsteps as they clashed with the water beneath; his heartbeats yielded more pressure upon his chest. He leaned his hand upon a tree and contemplated into the lake, his final stop. His tears had disguised themselves as rain drops.

The lake was where his brother had drowned.

Mahmoud Elhadary

Lost faith

If only I could live without being attached to others, my life would be easier.

As we grow we tend to attach ourselves to others, and manifest so much time into people who we think we’ll have an eternal friendship with.
Everlasting stories not including lovers, or a sleeping princess waiting for the kiss from her prince to wake up. But a story that holds something more powerful than that, a fairy tale of two friends.

Unfortunately that’s not the case most of the time;
we grow, we start writing our fairy tales that will never happen,
stories only for our minds to feel safe at the current moment; something only for the time being.

We grow, we lose faith, then we lose people who once mattered the most.
Its a devastating feeling, a horrible dream that we are living day and night. On other occasions after losing faith we tend to act as if its still there, faith in our friends that they won’t let us down when we need them the most. Even when we are repeatedly let down, we still give them excuses and forgive them over and over again. A mistake we never learn from.

I thought about that last paragraph, and it hurts me that we force ourselves into the act of being hurt; we see it coming, then wait for it till it happens, and deliberately grasp it with our hearts. Torturing ourselves over the faith we thought was still there

Mahmoud Elhadary

The open sea and after pill

So I’m refraining myself from heading to the open sea and let its current pull me toward its swirls. Something had felt hypnotizing about life when I decided to end it all at once.
I’m not sure if I was afraid of death, and the idea of not knowing what’s next; or if it was the Wiliness to live a little while more.
Thoughts were accumulated
Tears  were shattered
Words kept unspoken.

Once again I sat on the edge of the mattress; observing the beauty of that very last pill in the orange anti-depressant bottle and thought what if I took it.
Something had refrained me this time; maybe God cause I was just thinking about him or maybe it was my soul awakening just like when I was at the shore.
Life felt hard, soul felt alive.
I held the pill, rolling it between my fingers as it would be my very last cigarette of the night.
Will god welcome me between his hands and pat me on the back to assure that everything will be alright, or will he wont be even there. Will He forgive me and forget about all of my sins, the ones that’s written all over my scarred body.

Will the heavens be opening it’s gates and welcome me inside. Will there be rivers full of wine as I was once told or will I be the only one there.
With the tip of my tongue I tasted the pill bitter taste; just as I had tasted the bitterness of the open sea.
Life is bitter, that I knew.
Death may even be more bitter.

Mahmoud Elhadary

Different kind of love

I hoped for you to be the key to all of my secrets. I wanted to feel the necessity of you being in my life but something unexpected had happened during the days we spent together. The words we spilled were not quite the same.
I loved and admired while you only cherished.
Different kinds of love we shared.
I had wished for you to manifest yourself inside of me, while you wanted us to be two individuals singing different lullabies.
How will I keep on loving you if you had promised that you wont return it in the same way.

Mahmoud Elhadary

Paradoxical

I went not knowing what to expect of the night to come; I got offered a drink after the other;

Accepting with pleasure.

Not sure after how many drinks I arrived into a relinquish state of euphoria. I felt darkness taking over me; I also saw whiteness even in my darkest phases.

Paradoxical situation I believed.

As the beats  escaped the speakers colliding with my body; a sensation of freedom had taken over me.

I dropped down my shields.

Swaying as the music demands, I grasped to the nearest being around.

A free soul I became.

The we became I, and no longer acted independently. We moved as one in the center of the vague circles that appeared to be around.

I wasn’t sure of what’s next.

I turned to stand chest to chest; our eyes glazed at the souls that lay within us; hidden from the crowd, that may judge us.

Whom are them to be;

Who are us to see.

I got bared from my skin; and dropped down all of my colors. Through Moistening our lips together.

They acted as one unit.

I glimpsed the sun rising; and the night had came to an end. I left in a hurry, not wanting the daylight to lay on me; Cause by then I’ll be as every human being.

A throbbing headache knocked at my skull; waking me up from the oblivion I went into. I thought of yesterday’s events.

Should I remember?

Or better to forget.

I laid on the smooth sheets; feeling a sense of grace cause I was not alone this time.

My soul laid next to me.

I wasn’t afraid of the daylight anymore; I walked rising my head high today; a free soul I became.

M.Hadary

Thoughts

What if the upper hands had never existed
and we’re free souls floating the earth,
the ones to be blamed.

What if the demons from our creation
due to our darkest states;
were we still to follow the same tracks.

What if life is the one realm,
and this was the only heaven
and the only hell.

M.Hadary

Running love

I neglected all of my senses
When it came to you.
They all throbbed with a deep NO.
But my heart had permitted you to invade my veins.
How wrong it was.
Now im detoxifying myself from the poison you had left inside.
The poison that was once called love.

M.Hadary